Things you don't know until you have more than one child

When you become a parent for the first time, there are heaps of things that you suddenly discover. It's like that classic line in a tv drama: "Have you got kids? Then you'll understand." And it's true, you really do understand a few things that you didn't before when you have children for the first time. But there are some things that you don't realise until you have more than one.

That there really is such a thing as too many toys

Or books for that matter. When my oldest son was a year or so old, we had a toy box that doubled as a coffee table. At the end of the day I'd tidy his toys away into it, and that was it. These days I sometimes feel like the whole house has been invaded by a legion of toys, the things turn up everywhere, no matter how well I tidy or even when we have a big sort out and give lots away. Obviously as children get older they accumulate more toys, but when you only have one child, then as they grow out of things you get to pack them away or pass them on. With lots of children there's always another child to keep using the toys, so they just keep multiplying like randy rabbits. I know it's a bit of a first world problem; help, my children have too many toys, but when you've stood on yet another lego brick, or been tripped up by a killer teddy on the way to the loo at one in the morning, then I think you might have a bit of sympathy.

Your children aren't as old as you think they are

When your first child is born, they seem to be much older than they actually are. Of course you don't realise this at the time, but when I look back now at how old my oldest seemed when he was the same ages as his brother and sisters are now, he seemed much older. Which of course means that you end up expecting more of your oldest. I sometimes feel a bit sad that I didn't fully appreciate how young K was when he was two or three, with no point of reference, he seemed so grown up. I'm sure I'm still guilty of it now, at 8, he seems so big, but he isn't really, and I'm sure I don't fully appreciate that. It works the other way for the youngest in the family of course though, they always seem younger than the others did, and you have to resist the temptation to 'baby' them for longer. 

You can cope

I used to be in awe of parents with more than one child, how on earth did they do it. Managing one was such a mission. What they don't tell you though, is that being a parent to more than one child is actually, in many ways, easier than having just one. With your first you're second guessing yourself all the time, you spend half your life thinking that you have no idea what you're doing and the rest just trying to guess. By your second baby you have more idea of what to do, so it's easier, Of course you also have less time to worry about getting it right, so you just get on with it. There's the added advantage that as they get older, they will (some of the time) play with one another so that you can get on with things. Of course sometimes world war three breaks out and you're stuck in the middle, although it's often best to just let them sort it out (if there's no blood).

Some things don't really matter

When K was born, I could tell you exactly how old he was, I knew that he was x amount of weeks or months old. When my littlest A was born, I knew that she arrived at the beginning of June. It wasn't that I cared less, it just seemed less important and I lost track. With K I'd read all kinds of things that told me what I shouldn't do, with A, if it worked I did it, if it didn't make my life easier I ignored it. I went from having a cot to bed sharing over the course of my kids, and this is just an example, my parenting style evolved over time. I worked out what mattered and what didn't. I was less bothered about how much they ate, as long as they did eat at some point. With your first you can't wait for them to walk, talk and hit all the milestones, with later children you often find yourself hoping that they will be happy just sitting for a little longer, just because it's easier and they grow up so fast anyway.

There's enough love to go around

When K was just over one, I found out that I was expecting M. Although I really wanted more children, I was also really worried. How could I possibly love this new baby as much as I loved K? If I did love him as much, would I love K less? Looking back now, it seems silly, but it worried me. For the whole of K's life to that point, there'd only been him, how would we both cope? But you do cope, you do suddenly find that you love this new baby just as much as your older child, and you don't love the older child any less. Your love for them seems to stretch and grow to fit them all in. When you have only one child you don't really get how that can happen, but it does. You do have less one on one time of course, but you can even find ways around that.

Having children is a learn on the job experience. There's heaps to take on board and get used to when you have your first. I remember people telling me that life changes forever when you have your first baby, and it does, and not always in the ways that you'd expect. Life changes and you change, that's just the way it is. But it doesn't end when you have your first, there's still more to learn when you have another child, and with each one that you have, you learn or discover something new. I'm sure if I kept going there'd be still more to find out, but I think I'm happy sticking with my four.

What did you discover when you had more than one child?

Walking in heels

The are many things that I can claim as a talent, it's true that I have more of a claim on some than on others, but if there is one thing I can't claim to be able to do, it's walk in heels. Unless I'm drunk of course, and then I at least, am convinced that me walking in heels is a good combination. As it is, very few people have seen me in heels, so would have no way of verifying or disputing my claims, but believe me when I tell you, it's not a strength.

My usual excuse is that I'm tall, so I don't need heels. Which is true-ish. I am tall-ish and therefore probably don't need them, but I see a future where my kids, or at the very least three of them, are going to tower over me, and I won't feel so tall any more. There's a good chance all four will, what then? Either I get used to being the shorty of the family, invest in some stilts (I'm thinking that if I can't master heels, I can't manage stilts) or manage to walk in heels.

What's probably more to the truth is that I'm generally not the most well turned out in terms of clothing. I'd rather wear jeans and a t-shirt most of the time. I hardly ever wear make up and my hair does what it likes. I'd have to admit that much of this is to do with laziness. I remember being 14, and being excited about finally being old enough to wear make-up to school. I lasted a whole week. The idea of extra time in bed, or getting up and putting my face on, no contest, the bed won. I haven't really changed since.

I wonder what my daughters will be like. L in particular loves dressing up and make up, now. At the same age I was exactly the same. In my first year of secondary school, my English project was all about make-up, no really, my choice. Somewhere between childhood and my teenage years the love of heels and make up got lost. Unless you count the multi coloured nails I always wore until I started working in a bar and it just wasn't practical that is.

I'm no wonder woman

When you're growing up, your parents are larger than life, the fixers of all problems, able to solve anything. I suppose that's how it should be, when you're little you need a super hero that can step in and make everything right for you. Of course it's not true though.


I have a very clear memory of being about twelve and playing badminton (badly) in the back garden with a friend. My superior badminton skills meant that before long the shuttlecock was wedged in a tree. I couldn't reach it, but it was all ok, I'd get my Mum and she'd be able to get it down. Up until that point, I just hadn't noticed that she wasn't that much taller than me any more, I remember clearly the sudden realisation that she wasn't miles bigger than me, and couldn't reach it any better than I could.

I see it with my children now, at the moment they expect me to be able to fix everything, and usually right now. Of course some of it is just the impatience of youth, but I think that there's also a large part that comes from the belief that our parents can do anything. Of course you don't need to wait to get the right things in to mend something, you just wave your magic parent wand and all is right in the world again.

I don't suppose that there's anything wrong with it really, when you're little you need someone who is just there for you to make everything right again. But, as you start to get bigger you begin to realise that there isn't always an easy answer. It can come as a huge shock when you realise that your parents aren't bullet proof after all. Seeing them cry, or unable to do something rocks your very foundations. Even years later, when you're an adult yourself, being faced with a parent who is ill can really knock you for six.

Right now, I know I'm not wonder woman, but I don't know that my children do. Part of me loves the fact that we're still the ones that they go to to fix everything, and I know that it won't be like that forever. There's another part of me though, that gets frustrated because they expect me to sort things out. I want them to spend more time building the tools to solve their own problems. Of course they will over time, then I'll have to hang up my cape for good, because really, I'm no wonder woman.

Are they twins?

When Anja was a few months old, I could see that there was a strong resemblance between her and her sister. She was also obviously quite a bit bigger than Lena had been at the same age, so it was pretty obvious that as she got older, they were going to look quite alike. At some point someone was going to say "are they twins?"

Now at nearly five and two and three quarters, there really isn't much between them in height, but I still wasn't really expecting the twins question yet. To me, Anja still has a very 'baby' face, but perhaps that's because I know them so well. Either way, it's started. Twice in the last few weeks someone has asked me if they're twins. They've been really shocked when I've said that there are two years between them.

Of course it doesn't really matter, Lena may look a little younger than five, but she's a precocious young lady in pretty much every other way. As for Anja looking a little older than her nearly 3 years, that doesn't really matter either, and as they get older it will be nice being able to wear each others clothes. I get all the advantages of people thinking that's it's really cute that I've got 'twins' without having to deal with the incredible hard work that having two babies, at the same time, would have been. (Total respect to all of my friends who have had twins themselves; four kids? A walk in the park, two at once? I can't even imagine how hard that would be, especially in the early sleepless nights phase).

I wonder if they will look even more alike as they get older, or less? If they both continue to grow at their current rates, then Anja will over take Lena by this time next year. That might be interesting.....

Waiting for school

Back in the dim and distant past of my childhood, I started school about a month from my fifth birthday. I was a little older than Lena is now; two months shy of her fifth birthday. In the UK where I grew up, children start school at the beginning of the year before they turn five, in my case, being born in October, that was just before my birthday. Over here in New Zealand, they start on their fifth birthday, which is what Lena will do.

I can see advantages to both ways, if we'd been in the UK, Lena would already be at school and would have started last September. It probably wouldn't bother her to be honest, I'm sure that she'd be quite happy about that, but I can't help but feel that four and a half is just a bit too young. The problem with waiting until you are five to start, as they do over here, is that Lena will be starting school on her own. That in itself isn't so much of a problem, but it does mean that at the moment she is waiting to join her friends at school.

Lena has been keen to start school for quite a while now, she wants to be the same as her big brothers and go to the school that they go to. The last few months though, this desire to start school has grown and grown. It's not just that she want's to go herself, but as it gets closer, more and more of her friends are moving on from playcentre and daycare to start school themselves. We've had tears on quite a few occasions, when friends that she's spent the last two years with, move on to a different school than she will go to, and she won't be seeing them again. She's now the oldest child at playcentre and the oldest at daycare.

Of course for me, the next two months are going to fly by and before I know what's happening, my little girl will be a big school girl. But for Lena, that can't happen soon enough. It only seems five minutes since Mahe was starting, actually, in all honesty, it's only ten minutes since Kai started school, but in two months time I'm going to have three of my four children going to school. I'm not sure quite how that happened.

Moaning about the weather

There are some out there who I'm sure would claim that we Brits enjoy moaning about the weather, actually, if I'm honest there are plenty that would just say we enjoy moaning full stop. (Whinging poms anyone?) But right now, I'm sure that I'm allowed a little moan. We also enjoy talking about the weather, apparently, I think that has more to do with a nervous need to fill silence with small talk than anything. Although perhaps we are just known among ourselves as enjoying talking about the weather. I remember once, when taking a group of German tourists around the brewery that I was tour guide of I cracked a very funny (I thought) joke that referenced the British love of weather and even after it had been translated I was met with confused looks and stony silence. Mind you, sometimes my joke cracking results in that when I'm speaking the same language as my audience.

These last few weeks have been a combination of the most fantastic weather, if anything it's been far far too hot on many days. Including on the day we decided to do our bush walk the other week. Then, on other days, like today and a couple of nights ago, it's been miserable. Today has been nothing but heavy rain, which I can't really complain about, as we need it really. Although I'm not sure that the areas that really need it have had much. A few days ago though, it was freezing, so cold that we had to put the fire on.

In the space of the last week I've moaned that I've been too hot and I've moaned that I'm too cold. There really is no pleasing some people. Of course really we've had it easy. Over in America and even back home to a certain extent, there has been heavy snow and it really has been freezing. In other parts of New Zealand, farmers have been struggling with a lack of rain and there have been a few bad fires as a result of the dry, dry conditions. It could be much worse and has been much worse for a lot of people. Is it too much to ask though, that we might have a bit of 'nice' weather. Not too hot, certainly not too cold. A nice sunny day, with a little breeze maybe, that just stops you from over heating. I suppose I can dream. In the mean time, I'll just have to make the most of the warm weather when it's here, and indulge in the odd ice cream when it all gets too much.

What I did during the holidays

The children started back at school this week after the summer holidays, for only three days, but they are back now. I thought, being as it was something that our teachers always got us to write the moment we were back in school, a "what I did during the holidays" post might be in order. It doesn't look as though the boys school keeps up this fine (cough) tradition, as they both looked at my blankly when I ask if they'd had to write about what they got up to during the holidays.

Of course the start of the school holidays was Christmas and while it seems strange that the children are already back at school, at the same time, Christmas seems a long while ago. I suppose that we are already into the second month of the New Year.

We didn't actually go away anywhere this year, but at the beginning of last week, we had a bit of an at home holiday, a 'staycation' if you will. Not that we actually stayed at home, Instead we went to some of the places around here that we don't usually get chance to visit. A trip to the albatross centre (although not actually in it, because it costs a fortune) where we saw lots of sea lions, and some albatrosses swooping over head. A day out in Oamaru checking out the second hand stores, having a picnic and visiting the swimming baths there. A visit to the Dunedin salt water pools (which fortunately this time didn't have any sea lions) a bush walk with stunning scenery, but on a rather hot day so that we didn't get to the end, and a trip to inflatable world.

All heaps of fun and now in the tradition of the best school stories, I'll finish off with lots of pictures so that I don't have to write any more.

Picnic time in Oamaru

Sea lions at the albatross centre

Albatrosses (honestly)

View on our walk

Inflatable world